Pub Landlord Injured During SausageFest

Police Arrest

Police are understood to be investigating claims that a well known local pub landlord was viciously assaulted on Thursday night in the village of Godshill.

Sully Bigger, owner of the infamous local bar The Chimera, was admitted to Saint Lairy’s Hospital suffering from minor cuts and abrasions after he was struck repeatedly by a woman’s handbag about the face and head.

Mr. Bigger, who is busy promoting the pub’s current Sausage and Cider Festival, told a Candy Press reporter his account of the events in question earlier. “I was outside cleaning the tables and making sure the festival signs were prominently positioned.”

“As I worked, I noticed a mother and daughter walking past the pub, and overheard the daughter complaining that she was hungry and thirsty. Intending to offer our services, I approached the pair and addressed the mother. No sooner had I asked her ‘Do you think your young daughter might like a sausage ’n’ cider?’ than the silly cow started screaming at me and laying into me with her handbag!!”

On attempting to contact IOW police for their statement we were told they were all busy posing outside nightclubs with scantily-clad young ladies sprawled over their patrol cars. However their janitor, Hugh Sweepsup, had this to say; “Mr. Bigger did initially lodge a formal complaint of battery on Thursday night, but has since retracted his statement. We did offer to go round and give her a bit of a slap for him, but he was worried that losing a customer would lead to a 25% drop in trade.”

We contacted the woman and offered her a chance to tell her side of the story, but she has chosen to remain anonymous in case anyone who knows her finds out she lives in Godshill.

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