Island Closed

THE Government has announced that they are considering the closure of several islands including the Isle of Wight.

Minister for Islands, Mr Jerry Mander MP, told the Candy Press; “The Government faces some tough decisions in these times of economic hardship. The Isle of Wight is an old, crumbling, Victorian Island that would cost too much to modernise and is therefore no longer economically viable. In addition, it is occupied by a large percentage of the elderly and spongers who contribute very little to the economy.”

Residents have reacted furiously to the news. Benny Fitz, 36, of East Cowes, told us that he felt he would be forced to get a job if he had to move. “No one has worked in my family for three generations. There’s no jobs anyway so I’ve always had an excuse. Unless it’s cash in hand obviously. Do you need any decorating doing?”

He added that he was worried that if his children were forced to go to a decent mainland school, they might get decent grades and have to work for a living for over forty years.

Under the proposals, the Island could be offered to Argentina instead of the Falklands, or sold to whichever private company Ministers felt offered them the best share options and bonuses.

Mr Mander said he favoured the idea of a Jurassic Park style attraction but said he “wasn’t sure if they could actually do all that stuff yet?”

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