A Government report has singled out young Isle of Wight Women for being ‘beyond hope’ and ‘girlie and dim to an embarrassing degree’.
The authors wanted to take a snap-shot of women’s hopes and aspirations in 21st century Britain and the report, “From Emily Pankhurst and the Suffragettes to High-heels & TOWIE” makes grim reading for feminists everywhere: out of 40 major towns and cities surveyed, only the Women of Carlisle and Scunthorpe could match the Island for “Shallowness, lack of ambition and a general shit-for-brains knowledge of the world around them”
The reports main author, Professor Muriel Frowning, told The Candy Press that “Whilst we expected to find a pattern of drippy-ness amongst young women, the hot-spots in Carlisle and Scunthorpe surprised us; the Isle of Wight didn’t”
The report was compiled after sending out over 10,000 questionnaires to women aged 16-25 including 300 sent to Island Women. To guarantee a response, the form came with the promise of vouchers for free copies of Closer, OK! or Heat magazines. Obviously, all 300 were returned but only 2 used the SAE included, as the other 298 assumed that was the voucher and tried to redeem it at Newsagents.
However, it wasn’t just the questionnaires that condemned the Islands Bimbos. At St Marys Hospital, participants were given MRI brain scans whilst being shown a selection of news items. Those shown anything requiring just a teensy-weeny bit of thought, such as articles on Global Warming, Recession or The Middle-East Crisis only showed up brain activity related to inspecting their nails: items on Robbie Williams’s new baby, make-up tips or ‘words of wisdom’ from Cheryl Tweedy, led to the scanner bursting in to flames and the women wetting themselves.
Most telling of all though, according to Professor Frowning, was the way young Island Women use social media, such as Facebook.
“Amongst nearly all our participants, posts made on sites like Facebook really gave the game away. Like clones, they filled their pages with pictures found on the internet, usually of puppies or kittens wearing hats or glasses, along with some infantile, witless and vomit-inducing caption attached. As if that wasn’t bad enough, on their ‘profiles’ they would state they went to the ‘University of Life’ or the ‘School of hard knocks’ and truly believe they were being witty and highly original. Why? We’ll probably never know”