Bosses at Hover-Travel are excited at the prospect of greatly reducing their fuel bills and carbon foot-print after discovering a cheap alternative to Diesel.
Hovercrafts work by sucking in and then floating on cushions of air, but this can now be powered by broadcasting speeches, policy documents and press releases, issued by the Isle of Wight Council’s ruling Conservatives.
Leader David Pugh’s emissions have proved particularly effective, achieving 50 Nautical miles per waffle. In the unlikely event of running out of verbal diarrhoea, a reserve speech-tank can be deployed using broadcasts from the recent Tory Conference.
The new fuel source is not without risk though. To supply ample guff and hot-air, a member of staff reads out the drivel into a microphone connected directly to the engines. Tests have shown that any more than one hour of this, can lead to learning difficulties and flatulence; therefore Health and Safety dictates that strict staff rotation must be maintained.
Other problems remain to be ironed-out before the fleet can be converted as Chief Pilot, William Rustyballs told The Candy Press; “A Hovercraft is difficult to steer at the best of times, but when you’re using high-octane Tory arse-gravy for fuel, the vessel has a tendency to lurch dramatically to the right. Our last test-run from Ryde to Southsea ended up in Brighton unfortunately, such was the pull. We have found adding an extract of Humanism to the gravy mixture can help correct this, but sadly that’s in short supply at the moment.”
Treasury officials are keeping a close eye on developments, as any alternative to Diesel would lose billions in fuel duty but taxing their own Governments Waffle could prove a bit of an own-goal.