Council Conundrum Over Seaweed Solution


After months of ongoing complaints regarding the failure of the IOW Council to clean up rotting seaweed on Island beaches, the matter appears to have finally penetrated at least one thick skull sufficiently for the mighty machine to sit up and take note.

The Candy Press today received a press release from the Council’s new public relations expert, Yupong Muchly, who was hired recently using funds acquired from the sale of a library.

In the report, Miss Muchly is keen to point out that the whole episode has merely been one of miscommunication. We paraphrase part of the relevant section here: “The local residents of the Aisle of White seem to be confused about why the seaweed is there, and are mistakenly blaming the council for failing in its duty to keep the beaches clean and usable for the tourist trade that, apparently, serves as a rudimentary economy where you people live.”

“In fact, the Council should be praised, as this is but one part of the EcoIsland drive to promote the area as a world leader in green solutions and environmentally sustainable waffle. The Council is cultivating the seaweed for use as organic farming mulch, which is intended to make all farming on the Island bio-friendly by the time the seaweed finishes rotting in 2041.”

Confusion rather than Environmentalism seemed to be the watchword of the day, however, when we contacted the Council to clarify some details. Speaking from his office at the penthouse level of County Hall, the Chief Executive told us: “Collecting it for fertilizer?? What would be the point? Do we even grow anything over here apart from garlic?? To be honest, I have no idea why we haven’t simply implemented our standard Seaweed Dispersal Action Plan. It’s all in the Little Red Book of Council Procedures. I promise the people of the IOW that I shall investigate this matter the very moment this Cuban cigar is finished. Good day!”

Seeking further edification on behalf of our readership, we contacted the Parks and Highways division of the Council and asked them under a public freedom of information request to inform us what the Seaweed Dispersal Action Plan actually entailed. After sixteen weeks, numerous delays and evasions,and a backhander consisting of a bottle of Jerry’s Rum, we finally received our reply.

IOW COUNCIL SEAWEED DISPERSAL ACTION PLAN (ref:/12786) – In the event of a complaint by residents about odour or obstruction as a result of tidal seaweed on IOW beaches, the appropriate Highways officer shall, when he has time, leisurely dispatch a bloody great JCB at six in the morning to collect said seaweed, and with all haste and appropriate consideration for Health and Safety, find a clean beach and dump it there. Any possible opportunity to lift a few rocks and shovel a bit under out of sight should be taken, except where said action directly interferes with an employee’s Tea Break.

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