Rampant Pompey Thrash Flapjacks Nancy-Boy Nippers

Football Football

Tommy Flapjack, Manager of beleaguered Newport Nippers FC has admitted to The Candy Press that his next fixture could be an away game at the Jobcentre following his sides 10-0 thrashing at the hands of Portsmouth FC in Saturdays FA Cup first round tie.

The heavy defeat came despite the fact that Portsmouth players were forced to swim the Solent to travel to the game, following club administrator’s refusal to use Wight-Link Ferries due to the high cost.  An exception was made for Portsmouth goalie Bobby Butters, who they assumed would have a busy match and wanted him to arrive fresh. As it was, they could have saved another fare, as Bobby was able to watch most of the match on TV in the club bar.

Tensions were high before the game, which saw the Nippers Poundland Stadium packed to the 2nd row and with 43 travelling Portsmouth fans swelling numbers, Island Police feared trouble and were taking no chances, leaving 10 minutes before kick-off.

The Portsmouth players were first to emerge from the tunnel but 10 minutes later, the crowd noticed the Nipper players had yet to appear. Fans soon voiced their impatience with a chorus of tutting and pointing at their watches. Finally, Nippers Captain and local boy, Toby Hairdo, sprinted out of the tunnel clutching a hair-dryer, quickly followed by his team-mates, who appeared to being chasing him.

Sure enough, Toby ran straight past the centre circle with the rest in hot pursuit. The chasing pack was led by new Spanish signing, Roberto Fellatio who had a towel wrapped around his head.  Portsmouth players, officials and fans were left to stare open mouthed, as the team continued to chase their captain around the ground, seemingly oblivious to the match.  Losing patience, the Referee blew his whistle to start the game. As the Nippers were now busy elsewhere, Portsmouth players simply strolled towards the Nippers goal and rolled it in. The chase continued around the touchline as Portsmouth kicked-off again and it was 2-0 in seconds.

By this stage, Flapjack was tearing his wig off in frustration. As the nippy Nippers ran by, they ignored his pleas for them to “get on with the ruddy game, you over-blown bunch of nancies”, but It was to no avail.  After lap 13, Toby Hairdo ran down the tunnel out of sight, quickly followed by the rest of the team. Meanwhile, Portsmouth players had reached 6-0 with relative ease despite a few howlers and near-misses. A minute later, Roberto Fellatio emerged from the tunnel, but this time he had the hair-dryer and the rest of the Nippers were joined by Stewards in the chase. Word of the debacle had soon spread beyond the ground, and Police returned to join in the chase for a giggle and to show willing.

Having such an easy game, many Portsmouth players took to the stand to enjoy the show and just left one striker on the pitch to tap them in, in-between reading a book and doing his nails.  Even the away fans had lost interest in the Portsmouth goal-fest and were now cheering on Roberto as he clambered up the stands to avoid capture. At this point, some wag had found the theme music for the ‘Benny Hill Show’ and played it over the tannoy to add to the surreal atmosphere of the game.

After the game, a red-faced Tommy, told The Candy Press; “What can I say? An argument in the dressing-room over whose turn it was with the club hair-dryer, turned ugly and it was soon ‘handbags at dawn’ in there. To lose 10-0 to bloody Portsmouth of all teams, is hard to stomach. Still, the fans enjoyed it, so we need to re-group, get new perms and concentrate on the next game against Freshwater Fairies FC”

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