Nightclub Will Finally Shut

Owners of the Islands longest-running nightclub – Captain Snots, have today confirmed that it is going to close along with the next-door pub, the Pissed Pirate.

Dwain Hills, whose family own the site, says they have struggled to keep the once popular venue open for a number of years as the number of customers dwindled to no more than a handful.

A number of factors are thought to be to blame. “Youngsters now just want to stay at home and play around on Facebook,” claims Mr Hills; “a few years ago they’d be out getting pissed, smoking fags, making arses of themselves on the dance floor and puking up in the bogs, but sadly those days are long gone.”

Mr Hills also believes the quality of modern music has much to answer for; “I hate to say it, but really I don’t blame today’s kids for not dancing – most of the music is crap!”  The owners say they had made desperate attempts to keep the venue open, bringing in a succession of has-beens and wannabe-celebrities, but to no avail.

It is of course entirely coincidental that the parent company has twice submitted planning applications to redevelop the whole site, a project which would have undoubtedly made a lot of money.  Now the nightclub and pub are to close, it is thought unlikely that any new planning application will be submitted.