Island Unlikely To Get 4G “This Side Of Armageddon”

The company behind the latest 4G mobile technology have told The Candy Press, that the Island doesn’t have a ‘cat-in-hells-chance’ of ever getting it.

Despite nearby Southampton being one of 16 UK cities chosen to receive the upgrade in 2014, a spokesman for the company admitted the Island was not part of future roll-out plans for what it called ‘socio-historic and cultural reasons, as well as the continuing agrarian mind-set still prevalent on the Isle of Wight in the 21st Century.’

We contacted the Isle of Wight College for help in deciphering the statement. Terry Mildew, head of the ‘very big clever things’ department told us that, “Reading between the lines, I suspect the company may be saying that Islanders simply aren’t ready for 4G and let’s be honest, burning people at the stake for buying a colour TV doesn’t exactly help our reputation does it?”

“One of my students heard from a cousin on the mainland recently, about something called ‘internet’ and was badly burned trying to get online with a microwave oven.”

Following news of our investigation though, EE told us that the Isle of Wight may not miss out entirely as plans were in progress to allow 4G in the Islands prisons. The company told us that “As prisoners on the Island are the only ones with mobiles and actually know how they work, it makes good business sense”

The Candy Press tried to contact the Islands MP for comment, however our carrier-pigeon was feeling a bit poorly, so we have written a very nice letter instead which Betty, our cleaner, will post when she pops over to see her Auntie in Ventnor next Tuesday.