Council Sells Amenities To Raise Badly Needed Funds

County Hall

Following news over the previous few months that the Isle of Wight Council has been forced to negotiate the sale of several high profile buildings, in order to shore up the teetering Island economy, disturbing news reached the Candy Press offices today that the scale of these sales may be more widespread than first thought.

Following the recent success in finally off-loading Ryde Theatre to the previous Traveller tenants of Hope Farm, for the princely sum of sixteen pounds thirty-eight pence and a three-legged Bull Terrier on some string, reports are reaching us of numerous council buildings being posted for sale on Glee-bay, the popular bring-and-buy sale website. Youth hostels, care homes and other low-priority buildings are all now at risk as the scent of profit has sent local councillors racing for their stock portfolios.

We spoke to one local resident, Isla Wita, who had this to say: “I didn’t think much at first when the local primary school was closed, since Chardonnay and Bradgelina never go anyway, what wiv me Wayne’s gammy foot and all, but now I’ve found out that it was bought by Peppermint Elephant, the chain of strip bars!! Cheeky sods never even offered us a job!!”

Further reports are flocking in from around the Island of distraught residents finding less than salubrious businesses setting up shop in previously well respected venues. Seaview boat park is understood to have been purchased by a public parking consortium based in London, who intend to turn the site into a sixteen level BMW X5 car park to house Seaview’s real residents, who live most of the time in London itself due to Seaview being full of ‘horrible, crusty local types’.

Much debate rages around the fate of Ventnor Winter Gardens, where an offer is currently still ‘undergoing the bribery phase’ according to a source close to the council. At the time of going to print, Candy Press reporters could find no corroborating evidence for the popular rumour that local libraries are being bought up by local politician and public figure Dave Yikes, to be used as shelters during the impending dinosaur apocalypse predicted for ‘somewhen real soon, I promise’.

When we finally contacted County Hall (now the latest branch of JJB Sports, 3 for 2 on all trainers for the next week), a spokesman issued the following statement: “The council wishes to assure its residents that we are, as always, placing the concerns of Isle Of Wight residents first. Obviously we are hanging on to all the bits that make us money, such as the Council Tax buildings and so on, but rest assured that all the funds raised from this initiative are going where they will make the most difference – to our salaries, that is. Frankly, concerns that education and policing may suffer are laughable, since most of the plebs aren’t educated enough to work out how to send us a letter of complaint from inside Camp Swill prison anyway.”

Follow us on Titter for on-the-somewhen updates on breaking news a famous pop star, now based in Thailand, has put in a large bid for the paediatric ward of Saint Lairy’s Hospital…

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