Black Day As Island Mourns ‘Woman Of The People’

SCENES of shock and quiet grief filled the pot-holed streets of the Island today, as news of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, finally reached us.

In keeping with the enormous gap between Island perception and the outside world, the shocking news of a hideous crash in France filtered into our consciousness at around 10am this morning, immediately leading to a delay in milk deliveries in East Cowes due to the delivery driver being overcome with sudden grief.

Several other related disasters were also reported, including Nettlestone Post Office opening nearly six minutes late on a pension day, a significant delay in extinguishing the street lights of Lake, and a catastrophic delay in a delivery of stuffed quail to Waitrose.

As a mark of respect, Southern Vectis immediately cancelled all services for the next 48 hours and went to the pub to drown their sorrow, whilst both Wightlink and Red Funnel announced immediate special ‘State Mourning’ price offers, effectively doubling all prices (including those already booked at a cheaper price) but now including a snazzy black armband, returnable after crossing.

The Isle of Wight Council, following an emergency evening Domino’s Pizza session, announced that it would be closing Medina High School, the proceeds generated being used to erect a 150 foot statue of Princess Diana on the site of the formerly proposed wind farm at Wellow.

We urge our readership to remain calm and make every effort to Carry On during this difficult period of transition. Professional counselling will be made available for those in need at St. Lairy’s Hospital, in the new Princess of Wales Psychitric Ward (formerly Maternity).

Check next week’s edition for our competition to win tickets for two and a squalling brat to the Osborne House Diana Memorial Concert on April 20th, featuring Rod Stewart and the Life Support Specialists, one half of Chas’n’Dave, a random gurning simpleton from X Factor, and Sporting Life.