Island Men Twice As Likely To Suffer From “LaDS”

A REPORT published today suggests that middle-aged men on the Isle of Wight are twice as likely as the national average to suffer from a recently identified condition known as “LaDS” – Lamentable Dad Syndrome.

Up to 25% of Island men over the age of 35 are thought to show signs of this life-affecting condition, symptoms of which include; wearing expensive clothes by brands such as Superdry and Hollister, getting at least one sleeve tattoo, owning a Staffy, and growing a ridiculous beard.

The higher than national average is thought to be caused by every year being almost identical on the Island, with most men simply forgetting how old they actually are.

At the newly set up LaDS Clinic at St Mary’s Hospital, a specialist told us; “Every day we are seeing more and more cases of LaDS.”

“Men are often referred to us by their GP after their wives or partners get fed up with them disappearing all summer to get pissed, dress up as Roman Centurions or Superheroes at the festivals, Cowes Week, and on random Wednesday evenings.”

A Newport women, who wished to remain anonymous, said; “It’s so upsetting, some of the mothers have started telling their kids that ‘Daddy’s in prison again’ to spare them the embarrassment.”

In a new initiative, staff at pubs such as Yates’s or The Hog’s Head are being trained to spot the symptoms, and encourage the men to seek help.

Local bar manager Scott Shawn DeRocks, said; “We often see groups of them drinking Jägerbombs whilst talking about how tough they are near impressionable teenage girls.”

“Some of them are old enough to be their Dads, or Granddads if they’re from Ryde” he added.

Although there is yet no known cure, we are hearing reports that repeated slaps whilst being told to ‘Grow up, you sad wanker!’ may have some impact on addressing this type of behaviour.