Giddings Plans A Very Suburban Festival

John Giddings has announced the 2013 Isle of Wight Festival will go ahead but not at its usual Seaclose site in Newport.

A tired, emotional and slightly weepy Mr Giddings told The Candy Press that the ‘constant sniping’ of residents following the chaos of this year’s rain-hit event, has led to a sulk and total re-think and so next year’s festival will be in his own home and back-garden.

Traffic chaos ensued this year after torrential rain turned the Seaclose site into a mud-bath, leaving cars unable to gain access and even Wight Link Ferries unable to dock at the Fishbourne terminal.  Worst of all though, according to Giddings, “It gave the Islands NIMBY’S something to dine-out on for decades to come and then some.”

Due to the lack of space at Mr Giddings 3-bed semi, the usual 90,000 capacity would be reduced to 50 and prices raised accordingly. Camping tickets, which normally sell for £185, will now be £50,000 with special VIP Hospitality packages available for £60,000 giving guests exclusive access to the contents of John’s fridge-freezer, drinks cabinet and underwear drawer.

The 2013 line-up is yet to be finalised but The Candy Press understands that acts lined up include Artic Monkeys in the kitchen-diner, Elbow in the under-stairs cupboard and headlining the event David Bowie on the main bedroom stage. Jessie J, who law dictates must appear at all UK festivals, will perform in the shed, well out of sight.

The Candy Press in conjunction with John Giddings, are offering two lucky Candy Press readers the chance to win VIP tickets for the 2013 event, which promises to be a sell-out in more ways than one. Just answer the following question and post your answer to the usual address.

Q: For the closing ceremony of the London Olympics, which dick-head booked Madness?