New Plan To Lower Island Unemployment Figures

Thousands of jobless Islanders will face an overnight stay in Middle-Ages style stocks if they continue to idle about not finding work on an island that doesn’t actually have any.

Private firms that assume control of jobseekers after one year hope the installation of torture equipment in jobcentres will lead to new and exciting cash subsidies to supplement those they already receive from the state.

With the Island economy creating few jobs, and cuts to everything except council boss Steve Benyon’s £150,000+ per annum salary, it’s proving tough to pocket tax-payers cash for finding jobseekers work when it’s non-existent.

Mr Boaz, head of private employment firm iCant Believe iGet Paid 4 Dis!, said: “Paying private companies ten times as much as these scroungers received in benefits is the only way out of this bloody recession. I’m all for installing an Iron Maiden and maybe some industrial thumbscrews in jobcentres if it helps create work, but failing that I will push very hard at the lodge this weekend to see if we can’t privatise jobseekers organs.”

The plan, which is thought to involve auctioning the vital organs and other salvageable parts from jobseekers, would hopefully raise some much needed cash to pay for Andrew Turners’ record-breaking expenses.

Sold on the black market, it’s thought the livers of a dozen dole scum would be enough to replenish a much depleted drinks cabinet, whilst the hearts and minds of a few thousand would go some way to covering the cost of Turner’s main residence on the mainland.